Two books regarding feminism and sex are making the rounds: Louise Perry’s The Case Against the Sexual Revolution and Mary Harrington’s Feminism Against Progress. I need to read them both before I comment, even if I’ve skimmed their jackets and enjoyed substack articles by one of the authors. Then there’s Reddit’s Female Dating Strategy, the “tradwife” movement, and increasing concerns around the “below replacement birth rate,” all of which have made inroads into my heterodox spaces.
But my response is going to be a long one. Maybe even a full-length article, full of citations and suited for a format beyond substack. Because I’ve been watching the discourse around feminism and sex for some time now. And as far as I can tell, both sides—that is, the pro-porn-pole-dancing-is-empowering side, and the women-are-suited-for-motherhood-and-occasional-vanilla-sex side—are too busy making recommendations to truly, fearlessly consider the central issue of importance: what women actually want. That turns out to be messy. It’s almost as though the Madonna-whore dichotomy is a lie.
Women are different from one another. Drastically, unexpectedly different. In terms of sex drive, maternal leanings, career ambitions, and all the rest. No one solution is going to work for all of us, and that’s why we began that pesky campaign for full human rights in the first place, to include control over our financial lives and our fertility. If we truly listen to our bodies—difficult, to be sure, in these times of rampant disassociation—we can be trusted to do what’s right for us, what makes us feel whole, what keeps us on track and moving toward our goals, whether that’s a man in a suit and 2.5 kids or a sexy fling meant to last through vacation. Almost as if we are normal humans, and not some fairer sex.
To be clear, there’s a coherent argument to be made that most women are best served by minimizing sex, getting married, avoiding birth control, and having children. But that’s a conservative argument, not a feminist one. If you’re a conservative, it’s okay to own that.
It goes without saying that sex-positive feminists have gone too far in their enthusiasm for male-centric, unsatisfying sex. But the narrative that women don’t or shouldn’t want sex until they’re ready to start a family is damaging, too. Because it isn’t true, it’s led more than a few of my friends to neglect birth control, to persist in abusive relationships, to marry hastily, or to have children with men they shouldn’t have accepted a second date from.
I can’t help but think that a pendulum has swung from one unhealthy extreme to the other. As OnlyFans superstar Aella said on a recent Cut the Bull podcast, there almost seems to be a conservative idea emerging in feminist circles: “if you’re having sex, you’re losing value.”
I love that you are taking this on. I've been thinking about my own journey through feminism and now I'm married to a man with two kids. I have a lot to say on this topic as well but it's still kind if stuck on the tip of my tongue. I am fascinated by the moment, and I do these women are speaking to something real.
Maybe one piece we miss is how far we've actually come. Most women don't realize what the second wave did. They are naive to reject it. I'm a big lover of the second wave and have had the chance to meet some of the greats.
That said, Mary Harrington's analysis is very fascinating I have to say. Especially as a mother of two young children. It's very much affected me in ways I would have been frightened by. My values have changed rapidly. Still liberal, etc. I said to a friend "I don't think feminism can help me now. I don't need to individuate right now, I need to learn to be of service and to caregive beyond what I thought possible. " Much like elder care, or hospice care, sometimes we just have to give. I feel feminism demonized this, and I get why, but nowadays maybe we can integrate these things without fear of being exploited.
I think the 2nd and 3rd wave are not accounting for motherhood, except to talk about emotional labor etc. It's like.... if you have a baby don't caregive too much.
I have more conservative views on sex than I once did. Nevertheless, one of the greatest realizations of my life was when I understood that sex has NOTHING to do with my value as a human being. Which is what a woman is. A full, whole person.