"Gaslighting" and Other Terms of Surrender

Photo by Vladimir Fedotov on Unsplash

I don’t like the word “womanizer,” even if the Britney Spears song by that name is a guilty pleasure. The word has always rubbed me the wrong way. It took some thought before I understood why.

If asked, most would say its definition is something like “a man who beds a lot of women.” But that’s not complete—like the word “slut,” it contains connotations of judgment (though of a different kind). A better definition might be “a man who beds a lot of women, and shouldn’t,” or more specifically, “a man who beds a lot of women to the chagrin of at least one woman.”

That is, it contains within it the idea of female victimhood. This is not only gross—I, for one, reject that status—but it’s frankly incorrect. Women are not owed sexual temperance from men, and the woman who’s surprised by male promiscuity is a woman with a tenuous grasp on reality.

The woman who seeks a relationship with a monogamous man must rule out men disinclined to take that vow. Easy, because men tend to wear that disinclination on their sleeve. And crucially, some of us, male and female, find value in a period of low-obligation sex. I wouldn’t trade my season of youthful indiscretion for anything—it helped me prioritize my mental health, career and life goals without the distraction of a premature or subpar relationship.

To be fair, I’m thinking of the typical “womanizer” as single. Someone might object that the womanizer in her life is her husband. If such a man made it past his partner’s sincere vetting attempts, vowed fidelity, and broke that vow, his behavior is reprehensible. But if he’s become worthy of the term “womanizer,” his wife has stood by for not one, but multiple instances of cheating. Fool me once, and all that. If she doesn’t bail, she henceforth victimizes herself.

Plus “womanizer” sounds like a machine of sheer, irresistible charm that mows down whatever unwilling females wander into its path. As if women are powerless and/or charmed by defeat. Yuck.

Recently a new commenter—I can tell she’s a woman, despite her masculine handle—yelled something untrue at me, and when shown that it was untrue, immediately blocked me. “Don’t you gaslight me,” she said, on her way out the virtual door.

Oxford Languages defines gaslighting as “manipulat[ing] (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.“ Not only has my commenter used the word incorrectly—I did nothing but show her a publicly accessible web page—but she gives me undue credit. I’ve no desire to undermine anyone’s faith in their sanity, but if I did, I can’t imagine what “psychological methods” I’d employ. Not only am I unskilled in such arts, but I believe the average woman is not fragile enough to be so manipulated—even if this one behaved as though she were.

“Gaslighting” is the language of victimhood.

Like “womanizer,” it cedes ground. It advertises one’s pliability to potential abusers. I suggest women stop using terms like these, terms that paint us as losers in battles we’d be better off refusing to fight. Language matters, as many of you are fond of saying.

Anyway, if you know you’re being gaslighted, how are you being gaslighted? If you can say “stop fooling me,” you haven’t been fooled. You have, however, made yourself look foolish.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: reveling in victimhood is a bad habit for women. It’s bad for our personal development, our self care and our healing. It is not the fate of women to be tossed about by life, doubtful of our sanity when shown a web page, paralyzed by the sight of a man in lipstick, hopelessly devoted to any player who can deliver a slick pickup line.

Women who speak of gaslighting usually attribute it to men—lecherous men, dishonest men, men with suspicious intentions. One of my commenters called autogynephiles “highly skilled manipulators” whose “spell” women can’t resist “falling under.” I don’t know who she’s meeting; in my experience such men are average looking, self-centered, and unappealingly obsessed with “gender”—far from beguiling.

But more and more, these women attribute gaslighting to other women. Ordinary women like me who write words. Often women whose views are largely in line with the accusers’, but who won’t apologize for those small ways in which they deviate. I could see this as flattering—my arguments so formidable they can’t be pierced. I could see it as simple scope creep or the misuse of language. Or I could see it as women sliding further and further into the seduction of victimhood. None of these give me hope for the future of open discourse and the resolution of the societal problems we’re jointly concerned about.

I’m told that Stephanie Hayton, wife of Debbie Hayton, has been “gaslit”—not by her enthralling autogynephile spouse, but by a female documentarian—curiously, by asking her, instead of telling her, how her relationship should be defined. But Stephanie’s brain is not putty, her legs are not broken, and she hasn’t forgotten where the door is. She, herself, is responsible for the life she’s chosen. Twelve years past transition, Stephanie is still with Debbie, and she publicly defended that decision as late as last month. We may not understand her decision—I certainly don’t—but it’s a decision she has made. Truly, women who like the word “gaslighting” seem committed to denying women’s agency.

I don’t use the word when talking about my situation, because it doesn’t apply: my ex-husband wasn’t that clever and I wasn’t that naive. I did not stay with him for those last 18 Months because his claims of womanhood were confusing or convincing. I stayed for a finite period to fight for our previous fifteen years of love and intimacy. I stayed long enough to talk it through, to make my needs and priorities known, to try to bring a formerly sane person back to sanity. And then I left, because I couldn’t.

I not only don’t want to victimize you, dear commenter, but I respect you more than you respect yourself. You are not a ball of clay ripe for molding. You are a strong and capable human being. Neither men nor bloggers can take from you what you aren’t willing to give. Stand tall, own yourself, and refuse victimhood—as well as its language of surrender.