On Taking Offense

Our responsibility toward good human relations

Back when I was an idealistic, naïve, twenty-something Libertarian, I developed a saying—or perhaps a principle—regarding good-faith human relations. It was something like this: “We have as much responsibility to avoid being offended as we have to avoid being offensive.” This was a principle meant to help me govern my own behavior, not one meant to police others'. Essentially, I needed to meet people halfway. I needed to extend the principle of charity, though I had not yet learned that phrase.

Since that time, I've done some traveling, and I've seen that the principle is indispensable where conditions are ripe for misunderstanding. Thankfully, people all over the world extend it graciously. Many Europeans, for example, are quite accustomed to working around language barriers and cultural differences, because they live in close proximity to countries outside their own. Grammar mistakes are forgiven, insensitive remarks are overlooked, multiple attempts are made to reach understanding.

I was on my way out of Fresh Thyme this afternoon when I had an uncomfortable interaction with a stranger. I mention the store's name because those of us who shop there—myself and the other middle-aged lady in question, for example—enjoy a certain amount of privilege. It's an expensive, organic, hipster grocery store.

There were few cars in the parking lot. Holding a single grocery bag, I was walking in the direction of my car, which was ahead and to my right. The other lady, pushing a cart, was walking somewhat behind and to the right of me. She stopped near the first car we encountered, which happened to be in the spot before mine. I assumed she was going to get into that car, because why else would she have stopped? So, still in front of her, I turned and got into my car.

“You're welcome,” she said, shaking her head with disgust, before continuing forward past me.

It took me a minute to understand what happened. Apparently, she wasn't getting into that car, but... stopping to let me pass, even though I was already in front of her? I was in no hurry, and don't recall pausing, so there was no need to extend this good deed—especially if it meant I'd be punished for responding incorrectly. As I pulled out of the lot, I mulled over what I might have missed to have engendered such anger. Was I supposed to read her face, when she was behind me? Was I supposed to read her mind? Is it my duty to frequently check in with strangers around me, to ensure they’re feeling ok about things? But then I realized: I'd done nothing wrong. She was interested in being mad.

Today’s young and disenfranchised simmer in a toxic stew of hypersensitivity, delivered to them via social media, helicopter parenting, and academia. Maybe that's filtering through to the old and privileged.

At the time of my youthful insight, “easily offended” was an insult. It was a sign of weakness, thus uncool, and as Meghan Daum notes, we cared about being cool. It was giving offense we didn't want to give up. Now, my principle is ever more relevant, but for the opposite reason. Liberal discourse has people scared to say words like “lame” or “tone deaf,” but quick to blame personal discomfort on transphobia, homophobia, racism, and sexism. As someone who's been on the receiving end of half of those, I could easily retract my statement and reap the social rewards currently afforded those deemed victims.

But I still think my advice was good.

Journalist Greg Lukianoff talks a lot about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a psychological toolset that treats depression and anxiety by helping people reduce “cognitive distortions” like catastrophizing and emotional reasoning. It's been noted that universities now encourage these distortions by advocating for critical theories, trigger warnings, safe spaces, cancel culture and standpoint theory. Lukianoff has observed that as academia pushes activist ideologies at the cost of teaching coping skills, students become more depressed—almost as if “colleges were performing reverse CBT.”

One of the four rituals key to happiness, per neuroscience, is “practice gratitude.” One of the four agreements is “don’t take anything personally.” If you’re shopping at Fresh Thyme, or drinking good coffee, or seeing a band on a Friday night; if you’ve got a good friend or a parent that’s still alive; if you can move all your limbs, and enjoy a walk in the sun—you’re doing well. Celebrate.